Ayo what’s good everyone who might read this shit… It’s ya boy Buzz and I know it has been a while…. I KNOW THE ALL STARS HAVE BEEN LAZY FUCKS BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT BETTER THEN US. Me and Sunshin are going to write more stories and update this thing a bit more.
After that bullshit disclaimer is now over we can move on to the actual story. This story involves two new friends I met in my first year of university… Jick and Savage. They’re both assholes, do stupid shit, and drink a fuck ton. Needless to say we hit it off wonderfully.
This story involves a little drink called “Tucker Death Mix”. Brought to the world by author Tucker Max. It’s a lot of vodka, a lot of redbull, and some gatorade mixed together to insure you do dumb shit. It tastes like bad decisions and pulls your brain in so many different directions I’m pretty sure it just decides to shut down. It’s the perfect drink for us!
At first Jick brought it up to me because I drank it with Sunshin on St. Patty’s Day weekend (story coming soon….probably) and he saw how royally fucked we got. So naturally he wants to try out the evil that is TDM and see what happens! Dumb shit happen Jick.
At first our buddy Savage (We call him Savage because.. well he doesn’t give a fuck and is a SAVAGE) didn’t want to drink this shit because he was menstruating but me and Jick gave him seven tampons for his wide set vagina and he agreed to drink to it. The conversation set up the night pretty well….
SAVAGE: What’s in this shit?
BUZZ: We’re mixing half a 40 of vodka, 2 can of redbull, and some gatorade.
SAVAGE: Man, I already got beer…. and I black out on vodka like for sure.
JICK: Don’t be a pussy man just do this shit with us.
SAVAGE: I guess I’m blacking out then…
Yes you are Savage… Yes you are. If only you knew now how far in the retard zone you’d go tonight.
So we make our drinks and we’re off to predrink at a residence at our university with a girl we knew and one of her friends. Her friend was visiting from out of town and was pretty hot. This gained Jick’s interest obviously and he told me he was going to try and fuck her tonight. It can’t be that easy though for the ALL STARS.
Jick brings up the idea that we race to see who could finish the Tucker Death Mix the fastest…. while we were playing beer pong with it.
Now if you are unaware, TDM looks like windshield wiper fluid and tastes like fucking shit. Chugging this stuff back before you’re wasted off of it is like sticking cigarettes into your eyes. Did that stop us? NOPE. Savage even joined in and we were chugging this shit back.
We eventually start talking to some meh girls at the residence and they’re all astonished by our listerine coloured death drinks. Their primitive sloot minds are intrigued whenever they see something new and shiny. Of course this is the easiest way to catch them because they let their natural sloot guard down and this is where you can go in for the kill. Trust me I saw it on a Steve Irwin special once (Rest in paradise, sweet prince.)
SLOOT 1: Ommmg wat iz dat?! Itz lyk green!!!
BUZZ: It’s listerine, we’re fucking crazy.
SLOOT 2: UR LYING!!!?? R U SERIOUZLY DRINKING MOUTH WASH!!!?
SLOOT 1: DAT’S GROSS!
SAVAGE: That’s just how we do things.
JICK: It’s actually a mixed drink called Tucker Death Mix.. It’s like vodka, redbull, and gatorade.
Then one of the wild cooler drinking slores gets the brilliant idea to try it because she “LUVS DRINKING”.
SLOOT 1: LEMME TRY IT… (She takes a nice sized gulp…. and then gags while making some grossed out face)… EWWIE GROSSSS!!!
As entertaining as these wild animals are we got a kegger to go to. So we round up our friend and the out of town girl and we walk on over.
This is where the night goes from standard to full retard in 2.5. We get to the kegger and finish our race to finish the bottles. We also get a couple cups of beer apparently (Don’t really remember that part) and now we’re all absolutely black out drunk.
When I see we blacked out I mean none of us remember shit… We pieced together this story based on other peoples accounts of what we did and little flashes of memory Savage and Jick have(I DO NOT HAVE THESE). So this is where I’ll branch off into three separate stories of all three of our nights…. It’s a fucked one.
BUZZ’S NIGHT
To be honest I don’t remember shit. My last true memory is me talking to two blonde girls and then after that it just ended. But this is apparently what I was doing.
I walked up to some sloot I knew and dropped the GREATEST slurred blackout game ever.
BUZZ: Hey sloot, honeszztly….. we should just, make out or SOMETHING!
SLOOT: Uhh…..
That did not work at all… of course. I also didn’t remember. My friend informed me after and the shame just exploded through my body.
Then me and Jick had to piss…. but there was a huge line. Fuck waiting, All Stars never wait. So what was our genius idea? PISS IN ONE OF THE EMPTY TDM BOTTLES! … or try to in my case.
So Jick doesn’t miss apparently and gets it in the bottle…. What do I do though? I miss and piss all over the wall of the house. Good one Buzz, TDM is definitely winning this battle.
Then I got the genius idea to cap the bottle and just THROW IT INTO A CROWD OF PEOPLE. That’s just disgusting…. but I did it. I wonder who found that and what they did with it? But it’s better not to ask those questions.
What happened after you may ask? No one knows. I disappeared and spent all the money I had in the process. Did I get a hooker? Did I buy shrooms? Did I kill someone? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! I woke up in my bed and my laptop was on my fridge. I had no memory or dignity left.
To this day no one knows where I went or what I did…. neither do I…. CLASSIC.
JICK’S NIGHT
Besides the piss story Jick had a pretty eventful night… where he made a complete jerkjob of himself.
He ended up bringing the out of town girl back to his res (good job Jicky boy)… but she wouldn’t fuck him. That already sucks… but Jick is on TDM where good ideas get kicked out of your head and you decide that the retarded ones are the best.
He got up and cleared his desk with one swipe of his arm and then he picked the girl up and put her on his desk. Like this would magically make her want to fuck him now…. and it probably would if she was a flithy slore but she had morals to keep up with and shit so Jick was shit out of luck.
Did his bright ideas end there? NOPE. They went to the caf after and Jick was saying some hilairious douchey shit.
JICK: I’LL BE THE BEST FUCK YOU EVEEEEER HAD!!!!!!
This did not impress her either… so Jick was officially shit out of luck.
He then got locked out of his room after trying to help Savage in a fight (more on this in a second) and k.o’d in some random broad’s room without banging her I’m pretty sure.
Jick struck out in legendary all star fashion. I salute you.
SAVAGE’S NIGHT
This is where the real fucking stupid shit happened. Savage is an animal and will do dumb shit. This is our first time really understanding how crazy this guy can go though.
After the kegger he went to the residence we were at when we were predrinking. I was god knows where and Jick was doing his best douchebag mating dance to impress out of town girl so Savage went to party some more. Or he thought he was going to party more.
The people at the res put on some rap music and Savage is from a small hick town so he does not like rap music very much. We didn’t know how MUCH he actually didn’t like rap music. Apparently all he would say after they put on the rap music was this…
SAVAGE: I slap blacks.
I shit you not he was saying this. They didn’t enjoy this racism and Ryan had no idea where he was so I doubt he cared.
Eventually he ended up back at the caf when a black guy and brown guy from the res he was just at saw him.
BLACK GUY: HEY YOU’RE THE GUY THAT SAID HE LIKES TO SLAP BLACKS! I SHOULD FUCK YOU UP!
SAVAGE: Hey man I don’t remember saying that but if you want to fight whatever…
This really was not much of a fight… Savage was too much in the full retard zone to do anything so one of the guys literally just pushed him and he fell over and hit his head on the table. One of Savage’s friends grabbed the guy and threw him to the ground then all hell broke loose apparently. This is the foggiest part of the fight and no one knows exactly what happened but it eventually got broken up by janitors who said they’d call the cops.
Savage you’re a fucking retard….. who apparently likes to slap blacks…
In conclusion, we’re fucking idiots. What else is new…. we managed to throw a piss bomb into a crowd of people, fail to hook up with multiple girls, act like douchebags to said girls, have one of us piss off a whole residence with racial remarks, one of us disappeared into the night, and finally we got into a brawl.
Sounds like a real all star evening.
Feels good to be back. Hope you’re all ready for some crazy fucking stories.
Buzz
