Kitchener Oktoberfest, 2013
Its been a while but we’re back. Its the Sunshin, aka Maxwell Dillon aka Electro aka kick your bitch out the house without her personal belongings… Most of them at least.
We haven’t really been keeping up to date… And that’s partially cause I’m the only one who writes. I also have no internet, which I suppose is what happens if you don’t pay bills, but whatever. I found out I can write these on my phone… Good luck world.
This past weekend I decided I would once again venture to Waterloo to visit Buzz, Jick and Savage. I’d already gone for Homecoming and frosh, though I can’t remember what happened for the life of me. However! I do remember this past weekend(unfortunately). So hold onto your butts and sit tight for this shit show of a story.
Generally when I go to the Loo its for some sort of event. I wouldn’t waste my time otherwise. Smells like shit everywhere. This weekend in particular was…. Get ready for it…. OKTOBERFEST!!!! Every Allstars dream weekend.
I went up alone, the B0J wasn’t feeling it I guess cause he’s a silly little mexican. It was a pain in my ass going up because I had to wait two hours for my bus, but once I got there… It was full throttle. Now, the festivities didn’t begin until Saturday night.. Or at least that’s what tickets we bought. So of course Buzz, Jick, and myself go old school and hit up the classic house party. Savage didn’t come because he was being a fuck boy and had to study. Whatever, we keep moving. We met up with Gregg though. Our crew was still strong.
Pretty sure we were the only white guys there. I’m not entirely exaggerating. It had a DJ and twerking and everything! None of us can dance. But we tried, ..maybe a little too hard. LONG story short, we try to make the best of the night and just fucked with people and just have fun.
HERE’S WHERE THE STORY TAKESS OFF!
So were all drunk as fuck trying to dance when suddenly, I look to my left and I see some girl just grab Jick by the head and proceded to eat his face. Not like.. Bath salts eat his face, like drunk white girl eat his face.. Ya you get it. Anyways I was like “hey! Cool” and continued to be drunk and make an ass out of myself. Shortly after the drunk white girl and Jick start dancing, her friend starts dancing with Buzz. So I’m left alone essentially… But that’s fine because I’m drunk and awesome so whatever(nope).
Somewhere in between me dancing and having another beer I caught eyes with this rat looking creature sitting in the corner of the room. Fuck.
She starts walking towards me so I just held my ground because I hear rats have bad vision. This one was particularly intelligent, it caught onto my scent right away.
At this point I’m dancing with rat girl. I’d been on a bit of a drought, and by a bit I mean a big drought. Sunshin the desperate. She was touching me and I pretended not to care, but I really wasn’t interested.. I pleaded to Jick to help me out of the situation.. But all he did was stick his tongue out and go “blehhhhhhh”.. Fucking asshole.
I said fuck it, do it for the story. But even though I decided to do it I still didn’t want anyone to see so I kinda pulled her into the darkness, and then eventually into the washroom. Reading that last part out loud you may think I’m some kind of a rapist. I really am not. She was just really not very good looking. Besides she was bou dat D!!! Sorry. Anyways, yeah she was fully about the dick. So yeah, anyways got a BJ, decided it was weird so I left the washroom and just kinda slipped out the side door and chilled outside. This is where the story picks up further.
As were outside, we run into an old slut from mine and Buzz’s highschool. So to kill some time we just picked on her. Cruel? Maybe. But they do it to themselves…
Activate Ultra slut.
Yepp. Never have I, the Sunshin encountered such an entity. As Jick, Buzz, Gregg and I were standing outside the drunk slut who ate Jicks face came outside and walked right into our circle. I don’t remember what it was she said to me, however it had something to do with a threesome.. Because I remember asking which of my fine friends she wanted to accompany me with..(Let’s get one thing straight. Generally I’m not one to be in a ‘Devils threesome’ but to do it with one of the Allstars would just be hilarious.).. She said none of them. She grabbed me by the shoulders and with eyes as wide as an open sky she said, “I don’t want to fuck one of your friends. Find me another girl and I will eat her the fuck out. I will lick her vagina in and out”.
I was terrified. And she was a big girl too! Not fat, just… Big. Like a faaaaaat ass. I’m not going to try and boost myself at all though she looked like Squidward. So I told her that we likely wouldn’t be able to find another girl who would be down for that.. So I said let’s just go back us two! She said, “let’s goooo!!!! *stumbles*”
This was all in the span of about 5 minutes. Maybe less. So I essentially carried her back to my place. Probably should have sent her home but I did not… If you’ve ever been a guy… And equally drunk you don’t think of those things. Once we get back to the house, I set her down on the pull out bed in the living room where I was staying for the weekend. She got undressed, I assisted her. I asked her what I could do to her and she said, “anything.” “…anything?” I asked. She then slurred, “if you put it in my ass… Illl punsh yer faece”… Fair enough.
So I cockslapped her as hard as I could and she gave me a really drunk white girl blowjob. I’m sure you can imagine what that’s like. So I went to the back, and while she was prompted up, and I shit you not. I was able to put in four fingers EASY. I was twisting and turning, karate chopping that pussy like Bruce Lee, then I stuck my dick in to the Hot Gates of Thermopylae, but the 300 Spartans had already been there. However, I would not be the last.
After i was done making chop suey with her obviously beat vagina I decided to stick ‘er in. At this point in my life I’ve been with a number of, how you say… ratchet ass girls. This one was no better. So I’m fucking her from behind, flexing prompting up my legs on various objects trying to look as hilarious as i can, in hopes that Buzz, and Jick walk in to see. I grew tired and asked her to ride me. Oh my goodness.
I slip under with no problems, Squidward, while still semi clothed, rolls onto her back to get her thong fully off but instead she just rolls completely off the couch and cracks her head off a table. And just in case you were wondering… yes it was hilarious. I help her off the ground and onto the bed, but it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done considering her ass alone probably weighs more than me. I’m surprised the bed held us both to be honest with you all. After a few minutes of positioning IT GOES IN AGAIN! I mean, for a black out drunk girl she wasnt bad. I finished, rolled her off and this is how the conversation went.
Squidward: “You wanna get laid again?”
Sunshin: “Now? I mean… I’d need a few minutes”
Squidward: “Well you’re no funnnnn…. Now I just need to find someone else to fuck”
Sunshin: “Well do you know where your going?”
Squidward: “Yeahhhh probably, I dont knowww… No one ever treats me like a princess”
Squidward: “I’ve never been eaten out, how sad it that? He never treats me like a princess, why wont he treat me like a princessss”
Sunshin” “Listen, I’m not eating you out and you should psrobably leave.”
I assist her to get dressed as well as I can, I hand her shirt to her, her bra, her pants and apparently thats all she needed because she got up and walked right the fuck out the door. She didnt get too far though, she just fell on the front lawn. Now at this point I myself am butt ass naked, I run out onto the front lawn to assist her, I also notice she bare foot, so in my drunken state I try to find her boots and purse. I find those and one of her socks. I help her put those on, and then I asked if she wanted a cab (because im nice) and she said “NOPE I KNOW WHERE IM GOINNNNN” and then just fully topped over like she was plunging into a bed of water after drinking a Nestea. Also hilarious. So I just walked into the house.
Buzz calls me and frantically goes
Buzz: “DONT FUCK IN MY BED, DONT FUCK IN THE BED DONT DO IT DO IT IN THE LIVING ROOOM BLEEHEHH”
I told him I hadn’t and that I was already finished, but he wanted to know what happened. I decided to put some pants on and have a beer on the porch assuming Buzz would be a while. Nope, within 10 minutes of the phone call I hear some shuffling from around the house, only to be Buzz jogging across the lawn.
Sunshin: “Did you run here?”
Buzz: “Fuck yeah I did. WHAT HAPPENED WHAT HAPPENED”
Right as Buzz came in, Savage came downstairs having been awoke by my loud ass sex creaking through the house. He asked who the fuck was having the loud sex. That would be me.
She left her phone, her house keys, her underwear and her dignity.
A few days later after the weekend I get a text from Buzz.
Buzz: “Bro, expect a phone call. You have the greatest story of all time”
Sunshin: “What do you mean? Tell me now!!!”
I received a missed call, and when I called the number back it said “Waterloo regional Police how can we direct your call?”
Oh good god what did I do.
When I asked Buzz what the fuck was going on, he said there was an Officer who wanted to ask me some questions, he also said it wasnt anything serious… but still what the fuck!!
Eventually, I get in touch with the Officer trying to speak to me.
This is how the conversation started.
Officer: “Hey! Thanks for getting back to me.. uhm, So Friday night I understand you hooked up with a girl from a party.”
Sunshin: “Uhh.. yeah haha”
Officer: “So uhm… heh.. do you know how many people she had sex with that night?”
Long story short, the officer found Squidward wandering around the streets half dressed at about 5 am, and she didn’t whaaat the fuck was going on. She apparently woke up beside some guy and three of his friends. When he walked into Buzz’s house the first question he asked was if they had any knowledge of a gang bang…
His final words before leaving was.
Officer: “Take ‘er easy boys. We know Sunshin is.”